This is a topic that comes up with many of us at some point, and it comes up frequently with my clients who struggle with persistent pain. It can be incredibly uncomfortable to disappoint others, especially when it happens because we’re taking care of our needs.
We may feel selfish for declining an invitation or ashamed that we need more downtime than our enthusiastic, extroverted friends. We may also fear other people’s judgments when we set boundaries for ourselves. Somewhere along the way, we have normalized sacrificing our own mental and physical health to avoid letting others down.
Viewed through an evolutionary lens, this is a social adaptation crucial to our survival as a species. As social creatures, we have always depended on our fellow humans for survival and procreation. In the past, being ostracized by our social circle could literally mean the difference between life and death. In modern times, rejection can still threaten our health, but in the form of isolation and loneliness, which can adversely affect our physical and mental well-being.
In order to maximize efficiency, our brains have developed the ability to process both social rejection and physical pain in the same regions. This is because both types of danger can potentially threaten our well-being. Consequently, our brains are programmed to sound the alarm in response to danger without distinguishing between emotional or physical threats.
This logic helps me have compassion for myself when I struggle with not wanting to disappoint others. Part of this likely comes from how our brains are wired through evolution, and another part is social conditioning of what is acceptable to fit in.
I know through experience that when I do not follow my intuition guiding me to rest and draw inward, I will end up exhausted, irritable, or in a neck pain flare-up.
Listening to my intuition looks like paying attention when I:
• Feel exhausted and dread going to another social event
• Have a headache and feel low energy
• Crave time alone
• Feel sensitive to loud noise or bright light
• Feel irritable
When I’m feeling these telltale signs that I need to be a hermit, I do my best to create space for myself which may include canceling plans and/or declining invitations. To restore my energy and mood, I typically need to start with rest and quiet time. My version of this may consist of:
• Taking a walk and listening to relaxing music
• Meditating in a quiet room
• Taking a nap
• Reading a book
• Taking a bath with Epsom salts
• Snuggling with my dog
Though I still sometimes find it challenging to honor my need for solitude and rest when it means disappointing other people, I am getting better at it and am committed to the lesson. I also believe I am helping others by modeling what it can look like to show love, compassion, and caring for oneself. May we all feel safe to care for ourselves with freedom from guilt or judgment, including the self-imposed expectations we place on ourselves.
Discover the Proven Steps to Rebuilding Your Body's Trust After Chronic Pain. Read More Here
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